Episode 108: Cameron Diaz transcript
Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room Scooter: On Door 5 Times "(Guest Star's Name), oh, (Guest Star's Name), 27 2nds 'til curtain, Ms. (Guest Star's Last Name)." Guest Star: "Oh thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be out there right away." Scooter: "You know exactly what they say, the more the merrier." Cut to Kermit appearing right through The Super Muppet Telethon logo.......... Kermit: "It's The Super Muppet Telethon, with our very special guest star, Ms. Cameron Diaz, yaaaaaaay!" In Background Rowlf: On Piano Keys Continues In Background Female Muppet Friends: It's time to play the music it's time to light the lights it's time to '' ''meet the Muppets on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight Male Muppet Friends: it's time to put on makeup '' ''it's time to '' ''dress up right it's time to '' ''raise the curtain on The Super Muppet Telethon tonight Waldorf: why do we '' ''always come here Statler: I guess '' ''we'll never know Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch '' ''the show Continues In Background Kermit: and now '' ''let's get things started Miss Piggy: why don't '' ''you get '' ''things started Kermit and Muppet Friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational '' ''inspirational celebrational Muppet-ational '' ''this is what '' ''we call '' ''The Super Muppet Telethon........ Vampire bats fly right outta Gonzo's bugle. Gonzo: "Whoops a daisy, I didn't even realize there were vampire bats in there." Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The Super Muppet Telethon, that's exactly right, 'cause tonight's guest star is Ms. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number." Bunsen: "Kermit, just for you to know, Beaker and I are working on something super good for (Guest Star's 1st Name)." Kermit: "Oh thanks a bunch, Dr. Honeydew, that'll be such an honor. but anyhow, here are Robin, Bean, Scooter and Rizzo for the opening musical number." Opening Musical Number: For the Longest Time In Background Robin, Bean, Scooter and Rizzo: Whoooooaaaaaaa for the longest time whoooooooaaaaaaaaa for the longest time Robin: If you said goodbye to me '' ''tonight there would '' ''still be music '' ''left to write Bean: what else could I do I'm so inspired by you that hasn't '' ''happened for the '' ''longest time Scooter: once I '' ''thought '' ''my '' ''innocence was gone now I '' ''know that happiness goes on Rizzo: dat's where you found me when you '' ''put your arms around me I haven't been dere fo' de longest time Robin, Bean, Scooter and Rizzo: Whoooooaaaaaaa for the longest time whoooooooaaaaaaaaa for the longest time Scooter: I'm that voice '' ''you're hearing in the hall and the greatest '' ''miracle of all Robin: it's how '' ''I need you and how you needed me too that hasn't happened for the longest time Bean: maybe this won't last very long but you '' ''feel so right and I '' ''could be wrong Rizzo: maybe I been hopin' '' ''too ha'd but I gone dis fa' and it's mo'e dan I hoped fo' Bean: who knows '' ''how much '' ''further we'll go on maybe I'll be sorry when you're gone Scooter: I'll take '' ''my chances I forgot '' ''how nice romance is I haven't been there for the longest time Robin: I had 2nd thoughts '' ''at the start I said to myself hold on to your heart Rizzo: now I know de woman '' ''dat you a'e yo' wonde'ful '' ''so fa' and it' mo'e dan I hoped fo' Bean: I don't care what consequence it brings I have been a fool for lesser things Scooter: I want you so bad I think you oughta know that I intend to hold you for the longest time Robin, Bean, Scooter and Rizzo: Whoooooaaaaaaa for the longest time whoooooooaaaaaaaaa for the longest time Whoooooaaaaaaa for the longest time Whoooooaaaaaaa for the longest time Whoooooaaaaaaa for the longest time. Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.......... Waldorf: "I sure wish I could put that song in a music box." Statler: "I know, it's a super good thing 'cause it can open and close the music at the exact same time." Waldorf: "Don't forget to crank the handle bar!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage....... Kermit: "Let's see what's next. (he looks right at the list.) oh. Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody!" Bear on Patrol Sketch Number: Throwing boomerang fish at a charter bus Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol." Fozzie/Patrol Bear (escorting Lew Zealand right inside the police station): "Okay, nice and easy, just a few more, (he sits Lew Zealand right on the stool seat.) perfect." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What seems to be going on around here, Patrol Bear?" Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young man's been caught throwing boomerang fish at a charter bus." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Oh yeah, I see. tell me your name, please." Lew Zealand: "Lew Zealand, Officer Hogthrob sir, and I wasn't anyplace near charter buses, these fish come right back to me just like boomerangs." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans his right pointer finger at the innocent list and finds Lew Zealand's name written on there. Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Just as I thought, you're innocent after all." Lew Zealand: "Oh thanks a bunch, kind sir." Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "You can let him go free at last right now, Patrol Bear." Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Statler: "This sketch number sure is a fishy sketch number," Waldorf: "and there's no trout about it." Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Kermit's Office/backstage Kermit: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st Name), you look super beautiful in that purple outfit and we really enjoy your acting career." Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Kermit, I'm wearing it for the poetry reading corner." Cut to Bunsen and Beaker carrying 2 medium glasses of grape soda and the super ultimate vampire potion as well. Bunsen: "Well, I'm just gonna take this glass of grape soda right over to (Guest Star's Name) right about now." Bunsen notices the super ultimate vampire potion in Beaker's right hand. Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, what are you doing with the super ultimate vampire potion?" Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee-mee, mee-mo-mee, mee-mo-mee." Bunsen: "Let's hurry this up, Beaker, we must switch these glasses at once, after all, we wouldn't want (Guest Star's Name) to accidentally take 1 single sip of the super ultimate vampire potion." Clifford: "Super ultimate vampire potion? I knew this was gonna be a super different show this evenin'." Bunsen and Beaker switch the 2 medium glasses and walk right over to where the Guest Star's sitting right with Kermit at his desk. Bunsen: "(Guest Star's 1st Name), there you are, Beaker and I have something super good for you. go ahead, Beaker, give it to her right away." Beaker mistakenly gives the Guest Star the super ultimate vampire potion. Bunsen: "Here you go, (Guest Star's 1st Name), a nice refreshing glass of grape soda, just to say goodbye to those nasty throat irritations." Guest Star: "Goodbye nasty throat irritations, right? okay, here goes." The Guest Star takes 1 single sip of the super ultimate vampire potion. Bunsen: "We done it, Beaker, we done it." The Guest Star begins feeling a pale green transformation around herself. The Guest Star's now a pale green vampire. Guest Star: And Moaning Sounds Bunsen: "Oh my word, Beaker, I don't think we got it right after all." The Pale Green Vampire Guest Star gets a bit closer to where Bunsen and Beaker are standing. Beaker: And Meeping In Alarm Bunsen: "Oh knock it off, Beaker, she'll never harm a lab assistant." Cut back to Kermit onstage........ Kermit: "Okay, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's now guest star time, and here she is to recite her poetry of Roses are Red, Violets are Blue, Ms. (Guest Star's 1st Name)-" Scooter emerges right onstage in fear and panic. Scooter: "Kermit, wait! I don't think you should introduce (Guest Star's Name) right now." Kermit: "Why not, Scooter?" Scooter: "Well? she's changed." Kermit: "Of course she's changed, she had to put on her outfit for the poetry reading corner." Scooter: "I mean she's changed in some other way." Kermit: "I don't know what you're speaking about, just let me finish up the introduction. ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, Ms. (Guest Star's Name)-" Pale Green Vampire Guest Star: And Groaning Sounds Kermit: "What was that roaring and groaning sound?" Scooter: "(Guest Star's Name) by the way." Kermit: "Ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, here's Skeeter." Poetry Readers Corner: Roses are Red, Violets are Blue Skeeter: Roses are red violets are blue this show is super thrilling and so are all of you. The Pale Green Vampire Guest Star's terrorizing the entire theater. Kermit: "Okay, boys, let's throw the lasso rope around her and transform her back into her original self again." Fozzie: "Yes, kind sir." The 4 male Muppet friends throw the lasso rope around the pale green vampire guest star and the guest star's back to her original self again. Guest Star: "Hey, what happened here? (they take the lasso rope right off her neck as well.) I must've been a pale green vampire by now." Kermit: "(Guest Star's 1st Name), you're back to your original self again." Guest Star: "I'll see you guys later on if you need me for anything." The Guest Star goes right back in her dressing room. Kermit: "Well," Scooter: "at least she's not a pale green vampire any longer." Bunsen: "Well, you guys, that's the thing about the super ultimate vampire potion, it's got super powerful effects." The Swedish Chef sketch number: chocolate lava cake Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue, orn desh, dee born desh, de umn bork, bork, bork Swedish Chef: "Tunight, ve vill be mekeeng chuculete lefa ceke, yoommy guud, yoo bet." Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve preheet zee oofee tu fuour hoondreed und tventy feefe degrees Fehrenheet," The Swedish Chef preheats the baking oven to 425 degrees Fahrenheit. Swedish Chef: "zee ve meecruoefe zee booter, beettersveet und semeesveet chuculete een a lerge meexing bool," The Swedish Chef microwaves the butter, bittersweet and semisweet chocolate in a large mixing bowl for 1 minute. Swedish Chef: "next, ve seperete zee igg vheetes frum tvu lerge iggs," The Swedish Chef separates the egg whites from 2 large eggs right into the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "poot een oone und oone fuourt coops oof poodered sooger," The Swedish Chef puts 1 and 1/4 cup of powdered sugar right into the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "poot een three igg yulks," The Swedish Chef puts 3 egg yolks right into the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "oone teespuun oof funilla ixtrect," The Swedish Chef puts 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract right into the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "und lest boot nut leest, oone helf coop oof ell poorpuse floour." The Swedish Chef puts 1 half of all purpose flour right into the mixing bowl. Swedish Chef: "Und noo, leet's meex zeem ell oop." The Swedish Chef mixes up the ingredients 'til it becomes a full chocolate lava cake batter, then he greases the circle cake pan with baking spray, pours the chocolate lava cake batter right into the cake pan and the baking oven's now at 425 degrees Fahrenheit and the Swedish Chef puts on his oven mitts and puts the cake pan with the chocolate lava cake batter inside of it right into the baking oven for 13 minutes on the microwave timer. Timer Beeping The Swedish Chef takes out the perfectly done chocolate lava cake. Swedish Chef: "Und zeere yoo hefe eet, chuculete lefa ceke." The chocolate lava cake comes to life. Talking Chocolate Lava Cake: "It's true, but good thing Cookie Monster's not here to try to eat me alive." Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?" Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again...... Waldorf: "The chocolate lava cake sure makes lots of pastry jokes," Statler: "and it sure is a chocolate surprise." Waldorf: "Find your way to candy land!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......... Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody." Pigs in Space sketch number: anti-vampire bat zapper 300 Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the swine trek." Link Hogthrob: "Boy, it sure is gonna be a different kind of space mission." Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Let's just hope no vampire bats are swarming the swine trek." Dr. Strangepork: "Not to worry about it, you guys, I got my new invention: the anti-vampire bat zapper 300." Link Hogthrob: "What exactly does it do, Dr. Strangepork?" Dr. Strangepork: "It zaps away every single vampire bat that comes around here very often." Link Hogthrob: "Oh look, here they come right now," Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "duck your heads down, everybody!" The swine trek crew members duck their heads down and Dr. Strangepork zaps the vampire bats away with the anti-vampire bat zapper 300. Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What a relief," Link Hogthrob: "I agree with that." Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob ever keep vampire bats outta the swine trek? will 1st Mate Piggy ever become an official vampire slayer? does Dr. Strangepork have any other ideas? find out in the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace." Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......... Statler: "I sure am lucky I don't have a swarm of vampire bats flying around in my backyard." Waldorf: "Maybe you should tell that to Count Von Count." Statler: "Good point!" Statler and Waldorf: Uncontrollably Again Kermit's office/backstage Again Robin: "Scooter, you must help us out here," Bean: "it's super important," Scooter: "what are you guys on about?" Rizzo: "Protect us from ah guest sta', (Guest Star's Name), please." Scooter: "Now look, you guys, I know that (Guest Star's 1st Name) accidentally took 1 single sip of the super ultimate vampire potion, but she's a nice loving and caring lady," Pale Green Vampire Guest Star (off screen): And Groaning Sounds Scooter: "and I'll protect you guys from her as well." Robin: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter," Bean: "we really appreciate it." Robin, Rizzo and Bean make their leave and Scooter notices the super ultimate vampire potion right on Kermit's desk. Scooter: "Oh good, my throat's kinda parched by now." Scooter takes 1 single sip of the super ultimate vampire potion and he later feels his entire face and body turning pale green. Scooter: "Hey, what's happening to me?" Scooter gains vampire fangs and he's now a pale green vampire. Pale Green Vampire Scooter: And Groaning Sounds Pale Green Vampire Scooter continues walking around and the guest star notices him in shock and surprise. Guest Star: "Scooter, you're a pale green vampire too, what's going on around here?" Pale Green Vampire Scooter: Roaring And Groaning Sounds Guest Star: "Are you trying to bite me on the right shoulder or something?" Pale Green Vampire Scooter continues going a bit crazy and is now transformed back into his original self again. Scooter: "I made a slight mistake, I thought that would've been grape soda or something, but it wasn't. good thing Dr. Honeydew and Beaker warned me about it." Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody." Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Johnny as the patient Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack whose gone to the dogs." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so I was walkin' around the entire park, cleanin' up littered trash and recyclables, and all of a sudden, I ran right into the vampire tree." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your crazy vampire jokes." Janice/Nurse Janice: "So like, who's the patient this time, Dr. Bob?" Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold! observe and watch." Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls the corner of the green quilt to reveal Johnny as the patient. Johnny: "Whoa, boy, my head's really killing me." Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my word," Janice/Nurse Janice: "your head must be throbbing up and down." Johnny: "I sure hope you guys have some anti-headache pills for me to take." Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Johnny, that's you all over." Category:The Super Muppet Telethon season 1 episode scripts